I like making plans. I really do. I like thinking of making some sort of commitment. I like the feeling of agreeing to something that I’m supposed to follow through. But I hate it.
I hate knowing I’ve set up some kind of event for myself. It makes me feel like I’ve caged myself into some kind of real life jail of events or plans , that I have no choice but to follow through with. I want a commitment that doesn’t make me feel that way. I want to compromise but just with the right things and the right people. I hate feeling half-hearted about every choice I make. I hate when I feel like I’m trying to tame who I really am.
Its almost like a phobia, like I get extremely anxious and I just want to close my eyes and be somewhere out there in the open. Away from all the turmoil, the contracts, the plans, the blueprints. I just want to breathe.
“I make plans to break plans, and I’ve been planning something big.”